A Good Story and a Sad Story

Which one do you want to hear first?  I'll save the best for last.

A Sad Story
Ellie had a doctor's appointment on Monday.  She's just a few days shy of 3 months and she was "supposed" to start immunizations at 2, but whatever.  I scheduled the appointment for 9, since usually she eats at 7, plays a little, then naps and then is ready to eat again at 10.  Silly Summer, of course the doctor's office is going to be running behind, I just didn't count on how much.  Here's how it all went down (with a little venting about mixing sick and healthy kids).
We arrived at 8:50 and there were two entrances-one for sick kids and one for healthy kids.  When I got inside, I noticed the lobby nicely divided by a wall, with a walk through by the window for check-ins.  There was a window on the sick side and the well side, but only the sick side was opening.  Initially irratating, but not a huge deal.  I got paperwork and sat down.  Ellie had woken up, but wasn't fussing too much so I let her be.  When I took the paperwork back, I got more paperwork (hurray), but Ellie was unhappy about staying in the carseat and clearly having her nap cut short.  So I worked on my one handed writing and baby juggling skills.  But I was starting to get irritated at the wait.  By now it was 9:30, and I had overheard that one of the doctor's was a half hour late, so they were behind.  Splendid.  At 9:45, Ellie would wait no longer, so I whipped out my nursing cover and she went at it.  As I was nursing I noticed that more and more sick kids were spilling into the well child area.  The lady sitting across from me saw a friend of hers and invited her to come sit by her, which meant that her son was sitting next to me.  Not a big deal till the mom said "Yeah, my daughter has been sick and then my son woke up with a fever this morning."  WHAT!  Why are you letting your feverish son sit next to a nursing mother, whose baby is perfectly healthy!  The flu season has started pretty early here in the Dallas area, and that is the last thing I need!  I fumed.  Then the nurse called us back at a little after 10. 
But Ellie is doing great.  She weights 12.5 lbs and is almost 24 inches long.  She's definitely putting more effort into growing tall than into getting chubby.  It's funny because a lot of her 0-3 month onsies are big enough, but not long enough for her anymore.  She was having fun at the doctor's until the nurse came into to do immunizations.  I thought Ellie had cried hard at her two week checkup with the PKU heel poke.  I was sorely mistaken.  The nurse was great, and very quick, but Ellie got a shot in each leg and was not happy.  I held her little hands and arms on her chest while the nurse did, and boy did she wail.  I almost feel bad at how cute I think she is when she cries.  I might as well enjoy it now, because I know toddlers aren't very cute throwing a tantrum.  The nice thing is, she took excellent naps all the rest of the day. 

A Good Story
It was General Conference weekend!  We watched all four sessions at our ward meetinghouse in Mckinney and thoroughly enjoyed it.  I particularly liked President Uchtdorf's talk on the love of God and Elder Holland's testimony of the gospel.  I also really enjoyed Elder Callister's talk, and it gave some new insight into the gospel truths restored that I hadn't really thought about.  But more on that in a later post (mostly cause Ellie is going to wake up any minute now).  Here is the cool story:
On Sunday morning a very short woman and her two sons walked into the chapel just a few minutes after Ben and I.  The brother that was in charge of the building greeted them and they sat down and conference started just a few minutes later.  There weren't very many people at our chapel, but it was also being broadcast to the stake center, and I think a lot of people get BYUTV and watched it at home.  Anyway, when it was all over the brother introduced himself again to the woman and asked her name, which was Arlene.  I was standing in the backe rocking Ellie and overheard the whole thing.  She commented how she remembered this church being built (it's a faily new chapel), so she and her sons decided to come here today.  The brother explained that this is a very different meeting than what normally happens and how wonderful it was that she could come.  Then asked if he could introduce her to the missionaries, who taught people a little bit more about the church. She agreed, met the elders, chatted with them and they set up a time to come visit them.  Ben and I grinned at each other the entire time because we both knew what was happening inside the elders' heads.  Then the family left, and the missionaries looked a little shocked at what had just happened.  The one turned to the other and said, "She said she lived by Walmart, right?"  "Yes."  He pumped his arm and said "YES!"  I laughed and said how wonderful it was to have someone just show up for church and I wished it had happened to me.  He asked if I had served a mission, and I replied that I had.  He said "Do you know how golden that is, to have someone show up like that, and for conference?!"  We were really excited for the elders, but even more so for the family. They had just picked a church to come to that day and happened to stumble in on the one day when the prophet of God was addressing the entire church.  It was awesome. I pray that they come to experience the same comfort and joy I feel from having the restored gospel. 

Thoughts on Parenting Philosophies

In just two days Eleanor will be 2 months old, and though I still feel really new at motherhood, I feel as though I have learned some very important lessons so far. Let it first be stated that I love to read. I read for pleasure, comfort, acquisition of new information, out of boredom, out of stress, to fall asleep, to pass the time, to entertain, to enlighten, etc. Pretty much any excuse is good enough for me to go to a book. I like them. So one of the first things I did when I found out I was pregnant was to check out some books. First of all I wanted to know what to expect during pregnancy and childbirth. So I checked out that “What to expect…” book and a couple others from the BYU library (which I love!). I checked out a very outdated book on breastfeeding that was on my OBGYN’s list of recommended books (which reminds me that I meant to suggest that he remove it as it says it is okay to drink and smoke while pregnant and breastfeeding). At any rate, as my pregnancy progressed and after Ellie’s birth, I’ve done more reading and thinking about parenting philosophies. And I wanted to share some of my thoughts, because I have the tendency to think that I have good thoughts and other people ought to want to know them. That’s the narcissist in me coming out (or the yellow in me…Listen to me, my ideas are the best!). But really, in the end all they are are my ideas, they work for me. But it certainly doesn’t hurt to get opinions. So here it goes…

It seems to me there are two extremes in modern parenting philosophies, the hyper-scheduler and the hyper-bonder. The hyper-scheduler won’t feed a baby, put her to sleep, or bathe her unless it is on the schedule. While the hyper-bonder feeds at the first whimper, wears the baby in a sling every moment possible, and co-sleeps with the baby. Both have good intentions. The hyper-scheduler wants the baby to start learning a routine early on and it makes it easier for the parent to plan their days. The hyper-bonder wants the baby to be sure that they feel loved and bonded to the parent, even at the expense of the parent’s physical well-being. I feel there must be a happy medium. I think I’ve found it with Ellie, but it took some trial and error.

When Ellie was first born I really thought that “attachment parenting” seemed ideal, which leans to the hyper-bonder side. I had read about it, and liked many aspects of the philosophy. It touted that attachment babies were more secure and blah-blah-blah, while scheduled babies were distant and failed to thrive and blah-blah-blah. Of course I wanted her to feel loved and safe, to nt have to endure any long bouts of crying that seemed to fray both my nerves and hers. Though I didn’t co-sleep or use a sling, I did everything in my power to comfort her at the slightest whimper. I nursed on demand, swaddled, and rocked and held her until she was fast asleep. This seemed to go very well the first two weeks. Then again, newborns do hardly more than eat, sleep, and dirty diapers, and Ellie was no exception.

Then we moved. While staying with my parents in Pahrump for a few days before flying to Texas to rejoin Ben, Ellie developed a passion for fussing. She refused to sleep in during the day unless she was being held. She started “demanding” to be fed nearly every hour and a half. I was terrified that I had a colicky baby. I wanted to cry almost as much as she did cry. When we got to Texas things didn’t change much. She was a fuss-bucket who seemed to always want to eat, but when I feed her she wouldn’t take a full meal. I knew we had a problem. My mom continuously reminded me that it was okay for babies to cry themselves to sleep sometimes, but I in my naivete remembered that was against “attachment” ideals and I thought I could through my interventions make Ellie not need to cry anymore. I should have listened to my mother. She raised five fantastic children, and was certainly as qualified to dispense advice as a book. Unfortunately, I sometimes put too much trust in a book.

Enter my wonderful sister-in-law, Melissa. She is a wonderful mother and has three fantastic kids. Granted, she is a much more organized and in-control person than I ever have been, but I really trust her opinion. She loaned me a few books on parenting that focused on healthy sleep habits and scheduling. Wary as I was, I read them. We decided to give them a try and let Ellie cry it out in her bassinet when it was time to sleep. After just two days, Ellie would fall asleep quickly in her bassinet, even at her normally fussy times. She still fusses, just not as long. And she eats better too. She is a happy baby when she is awake and loves to make faces and smile at you. She still really loves to be a held, but it isn’t this terrible burden because my back is killing me for having rocked her for hours. (My back was hurting so bad from rocking and walking and swinging her that sometimes it was quite painful to pick her up in the middle of the night to feed her).

I was converted. Now, I don’t believe in hyper-scheduling, but rather this idea that parents should direct feeding and that it is crucial life skill for babies to learn how to sleep on their own. When learning to walk, you must fall down sometimes, and so it seems to me that in learning to sleep, sometimes a baby will cry. It seems like sleeping would be so instinctual that a baby wouldn’t need to “learn” it, but anyone who has dealt with an overtired toddler knows how untrue that is.

She is learning to delay gratification; she lets me know when she is hungry and I get to her as quickly as I can, but I don’t feel bad making her wait ten minutes so I can finish my dinner. But I still like to sing to her and rock her before I put her down, and if she wakes up in the middle of a nap and is clearly hungry, I feed her (a hyper-scheduler would insist she wait until the appointed time).

She is also learning to solve problems on her own, like how to fall asleep when she is tired. While Ben and I will always be there to guide and love our children, we won’t fix their problems for them. Otherwise they won’t learn. Heavenly Father certainly doesn’t fix all of our problems because it is crucial for us to learn from them. His hand is always stretched out, but we must be the ones to initiate contact.

I’ve learned a lot in my reading about parenting philosophies, but mostly I’ve learned that I have to do what feels best and right for me. Some other mothers may not be okay with the idea of letting a baby cry themselves to sleep. Others may think I shouldn’t feed her if she wakes up mid-nap. I don’t care. This works for us. Besides, you can’t knock it until you’ve tried it. It reminds me of one of my favorite scriptures, John 7:17 “If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself.” Basically, if you want to know if something works, you have to try it. Well, this isn’t the case for everything (i.e. I don’t have to touch a burning candle to know that it will burn me), I think it applies in this instance. Mostly I’m just happy to be sleeping through the night and spending my days with a beautiful little baby she makes the funniest noises when she smiles and “tells me stories.” I love my baby and I want what is best for her, and I hope I will continue to grow and learn as a parent so that I can be the mother that she needs.

Here are the books I read that I really recommend, in case you even care.

On Becoming Babywise (you really have to read all of it, otherwise you may misinterpret stuff)

The Happiest Baby on the Block

Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child

The Baby Book by Dr. Sears (though with a little less enthusiasm because some aspects of their parenting philosophy didn't really work for me, though it is jam packed with other wonderful information)

Why 2 am feedings are worth it

That's all.

Adventures in Diaper Changing

Ellie doesn't really like having her clothes changed...


so you would think that she would do more to prevent this terrible thing from occurring so frequently! I know, she can't help that she spits up all the time or when her diaper leaks. But lately she has taken to peeing just after I pull out the old diaper and reach to put the new one under. It's hysterical! Today she did it twice! I've been cautious about wiping her off with the old diaper underneath, just in case. But when I look away for the briefest moment, I turn back to find the changing table wet, along with her entire backside. And she just lays there, looking innocent (which she does exceptionally well).
So she got two mini-baths, which she loves...perhaps that is why she does it. At any rate, it really doesn't matter. She's cute. She's cute when she smiles and makes faces, when she cries (throwing back her head so you can see her, as if to say "Look at how sad I am! Don't you want to comfort and love me!"), and even when she pees all over herself.